Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Pants
by count nobbus
Summary: When Harry's last pair pants get turned into cheese, he finds out about a seret pants forbidden area. ALSO: STEVE URKEL enrols at Hogwarts! Crazy adventures commence when Urkel falls for Hermione, and when Urkel joins the quidditch team. CH 3 UP, R/R
1. The Pants

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Pants Kieran Lee (aka count nobbus) 2002  
  
disclaimer: enjoy this story and review it if you want to!  
  
The scene=Hogwarts Harry and his friends are about half way through their third year  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: Return of the Urkel Harry, Hermione and Ron are eating blood pudding in the Great Hall  
  
Harry: This stuff tastes like...blood. Say Ron, what have you got there?  
  
Ron: I brought some all flavour jelly beans  
  
Harry: UGH, those taste like shit  
  
*Snape walks past  
  
Snape:I heard that, Harry! 5 points will be taken from Griffendor house  
  
Harry: I'll just shut up and eat, before I lose any more points  
  
*Harry eats  
  
Snape: Harry Potter! 20 points will be taken from Girffendor house  
  
Harry: What did I do this time?  
  
Ron: We must be up to minus 1000 points now  
  
*Dumbledore calls attention  
  
Dumbledore: Attention students, its time to welcome some new students. They will be sorted into houses with the sorting hat. Please put your hands together for Urkel, he is apparently a skilled young wizard and an excellent quiddich player.  
  
*a few people clap, Urkel takes the stage and sits down. Dumbledore gives him the hat  
  
Hat: hmmmm...according to my calculations.....Griffindor house is short one person. He's a griffindor!  
  
*a few people clap, Urkel waves to the people  
  
Dumbledore: Thank you for your patience, students. have a nice day  
  
*eating resumes  
  
Ron: Hey, I found this in my locker  
  
*Ron pulls out a note  
  
Harry: It looks like a spell  
  
Hermione: Let me see that..."Cheezius Cheetos"  
  
ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!  
  
*people turn and look at the Potter posse, then they resume eating  
  
Ron: eek! what happened?  
  
Hermione: It was a spell, but I dont know what it did  
  
*harry points excitedly to his groin  
  
Harry: Hermoine, look here! look!  
  
Ron: Don't you think you're coming on a little too strong?  
  
*hermoine looks confused  
  
Harry: youve got to look here!  
  
*harrt points to his groin  
  
Ron: Theres a lot you don't know about women, Harry. But I must admit youre turning me on  
  
Harry: NO, guys, my pants have turned into cheese!  
  
Ron (looking at harry pants): eeeek!  
  
Hermoine: oh dear, my bad  
  
Ron: thats quite a sticky situation youve got there, harry!  
  
Harry: how am I going to get out of here? What if someone sees me?  
  
Hermoine: hmm, just try to hide behind me. I'll look it up in Cheese spells grade 4  
  
Ron: when I pee my pants, I try to pull my robe down so nobody can notice  
  
Harry: thanks for that, Ron. It's more than I wanted to know  
  
Hermoine: thats what I call a sticky situation!  
  
Ron: yeah, i already said that  
  
Harry: HEY! get your hands out of there, Ron!  
  
*Ron withdraws his hand from harry pants  
  
Ron: sorry, couldnt resist  
  
Harry: guys, this is my last pair of pants! What do I do now?  
  
*the Weasly twins walk past, laughing and joking at themselves  
  
Fred: I do say, what smells like cheese?  
  
Ron: Harry's pants have been turned into cheese by a spell  
  
Harry: and its my last pair...  
  
George: I know where Dumbledore keeps the pants, theyre in the secret pants area  
  
Fred: but its in the dangerous dungeon, where the fucking big rats live  
  
Harry: thanks fellas, I'll give it a try  
  
Fred: no worries, we've got to run  
  
George: yeah, theres a fight going down  
  
*the twins leave  
  
Ron: fancy that, the secret pants area!  
  
Harry: get set up, we leave tonight  
  
Hermoine: agggrh...I guess I have to come with you...  
  
Snape (walking past): Harry! 50 points will be taken from Griffendor house for improper pants!  
  
*everyone laughs at harry  
  
****end of part 1*** 


	2. A New Hope

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Pants Chapter 2 (its not very good, but it's a part of the story that must be told!)  
  
Later that night Harry, Ron and Hermione sneak out to check out the secret pants.  
  
*The Potter posse are walking down a dark dungeon type hallway, under the invisibility cloak  
  
Ron: Am I the only one scared shitless?  
  
Harry: Grow up Ron, nothing will go wrong  
  
Ron: But theres supposed to be 'fucking big rats'!  
  
Hermione: shhhhhh, do you want to wake the whole east tower?  
  
Ron (pointing) : LOOK OVER THERE!  
  
Harry: What? Oh, its just a door  
  
Ron: Sorry, I thought I saw a giant bird.  
  
Hermione: Be more careful next time, someone could hear us!  
  
*the posse sneak up to a secret door.  
  
Harry: According to the map, the secret door is this painting  
  
*There is a painting of a man wearing pants on the wall  
  
Ron: Stand back Hermione, this could get dangerous!  
  
*Ron leaves the invisibility cloak, takes a run up and fly-kicks the painting  
  
CRASH!!!  
  
Hermione: Ron, what are you doing?  
  
Ron: ..Oh..uh..  
  
*Harry removes the painting, revealing a small door  
  
Harry: Come on, theres no time to lose  
  
*They crawl through the small doorway and into a large room  
  
Ron: Stand back Hermione, there could be dangerous creatures and traps here!  
  
Harry (ignoring Ron): Wow, look at all these pants  
  
Hermione: It seems strange that there is a secret pants room  
  
Harry: Yeah, why would they want to keep all these pants?  
  
Hermione: Lets take some pants and go, Ron's getting restless  
  
*Ron is holding out his wand  
  
Ron: Don't try anything evildoers, im Ron Weasley!  
  
Harry: These pants should fit me  
  
*Harry picks up a pair of ordinary looking pants  
  
Ron: Lets go, invisibility cloak on!  
  
Harry: Wait, I want to put these pants on. I'm getting an awful rash from the cheese!  
  
*Harry puts on the pants  
  
Hermione: Ok, lets get out of here before we're all expelled  
  
*The posse sneak out and close the secret door  
  
Harry: get the cloak on, we can't afford to be spotted  
  
*The posse sneak along a few corridors, and see Urkel sleepwalking  
  
Ron: ARRRRGGH! A giant BIRD!  
  
Hermione: shhh, its just Urkel  
  
Harry: What's the deal with that guy?  
  
*Urkel is staggering around with his eyes closed  
  
Urkel: mmmmmm..cheese..  
  
Hermione: Harry, he can smell your cheese pants  
  
Harry: I'll just give him the cheese pants  
  
*Harry gives Urkel the cheese pants  
  
Urkel: ahhhhh..cheese!  
  
*Urkel wraps the cheese around him, lies down and rolls down the corridor  
  
Ron: That's some weird shit  
  
Harry: Cmon, theres no time to lose  
  
*The posse hurry back to Griffendor tower, and go to sleep. Unaware that something is watching them. 


	3. The Duel

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Pants Chapter 3: The duel  
  
*Early the next morning.  
  
*Harry and Ron are sleeping in the dorm  
  
Urkel: WAKE UP FELLAS!  
  
Harry (waking up): say what?  
  
Ron (waking up): Welcome back kotter!......oh it was just a dream  
  
Urkel/Harry: what?  
  
Ron: never mind  
  
Harry:..wait a minute, why did you wake me up..Urkel?  
  
Urkel: I simply awoke you because I wanted a friend  
  
Harry: Right-o  
  
Ron: Say what?  
  
Urkel: You, Harry Potter, have been assigned to give me a tour of Hogwarts  
  
Harry: .darn..ok im getting up  
  
Ron: I'll come too, I know heaps of secret passageways!  
  
Urkel: Really?  
  
Ron: no  
  
*A few minutes later the three adventurers are walking down the stairs into the great hall  
  
Harry: and this is the great all  
  
Urkel: WOW!  
  
* [click] Urkel takes a picture with his oversized novelty camera  
  
Urkel: Youre so cool Harry, I can tell we will become best friends  
  
Harry: uh.yeah.I bet  
  
*Harry, Ron and Urkel continue the tour  
  
  
  
Chapter 3 part 2  
  
The next day.  
  
*Harry and Ron are sitting in the library, reading about potions  
  
Ron: Hermione's late, I wonder what's keeping her  
  
Harry: Probably finishing an extra credit essay  
  
*Hermione and Urkel enter  
  
Hermione: Sorry I'm late, things to do  
  
Ron: What's he doing here?  
  
Hermione: Oh, I'm his tutor  
  
Urkel: You guys are a cool study group!  
  
*Ron and Harry look at each other  
  
Harry: I guess we should start  
  
Urkel: Lets start with potions, there so beautiful. Just like you Hermione  
  
Hermione: ohhh, thanks Urkel  
  
*Ron and Harry look at each other  
  
*A few minutes later the studying is well underway.  
  
Ron: So a yellow potion and a blue potion make a green potion?  
  
Harry: Yes Ron, but that's not potions, its fundamental color theory  
  
*Hermione is laughing at a small piece of paper in her hand  
  
Ron: What's so funny?  
  
Hermione: Oh, nothing  
  
*Ron grabs the note from Hermione's hand  
  
Ron (reading aloud): "Harry smells"  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Urkel: hee hee hee  
  
Hermione: Sorry Harry, it isn't funny  
  
Harry: Urkel, you did this?  
  
Urkel: Wow, look at the time! I've got to get to quidditch practice  
  
*Urkel leaves quickly  
  
Harry: He's playing quidditch too?  
  
Ron: There's something strange about that character  
  
Hermione: Oh grow up, I think he's sweet  
  
Harry: Sweet? He said I smell! 


End file.
